Darkness... and a little rain

It's been a difficult 24 hours for me.

Finally, I can sort out my emotions, my thoughts. Sort of.

Semalam actually, I felt a bit, well.. lain semacam. I don't know. Teringat arwah Loloq. How they said 72 hours observation and pada hari ketiga... well, you know... and then sama tempat lak kat Damansara Specialist Hospital.

Called kak Fati. Dia ngan family masa tuh about kol 8 lebih tengah dinner kat 1 Utama dinner. They had been at the hospital and were going back to the hospital. So janji nak jumpa meka later, as thought nak temankan mereka kejap. Leh borak borak, cheer the family up ke...

Was held up sebab janji kengkawan nak jumpa and all sebab ada hal nak uruskan. Time wasted cause semua called off.

Was passing Section 17 in PJ, minutes from the hospital when got a call from Juita, bini Pacai.

"Babe. Did you hear?"

"What?"

"Yasmin's gone. Harith just told me."

FUCK!!!! Aku masa tuh start mengigil. Then the SMSes came in to confirm. Started shivering and bak keta cam orang gila nak sampai hospital cepat sikit. Like I could have done anything.

Exactly a month since Michael Jackson passed on, also at the same age as Yasmin at 51, another person who has inspired so much love - has passed on.

Sampai hospital mengigil satu badan, palpitations started and broke down when saw Nani at entrance of Emergency.

Yana dan Leysha took me to the third floor where everyone was. Saw kak Fati ngan Shuhami Baba. Hugged mummy and broke down again. Had to sit down to calm myself.

Took about 15 minutes to compose myself.

"The family is very distraught, and we have to be strong for them, Joe," kata kak Fati.

So went out for a smoke nak tenangkan diri. Fuck again! Lupa nak top up phone yang da abih gayut AND da abih rokok. Dalam kelam kabut tak sempat stop nak top up semua yang perlu.

Sial tol. Bummed a ciggy from Emran and chilled out. Elly sampai and aku bak dia naik atas. Na take my mind off things, pinjam laptop dia update status Twitter je.

Then Jac sampai. Aduh... another round. And one by one people started arriving. Aznil... then kengkawan media lain.

An hour or two later, it was over. Meka bak jenazah balik ke rumah family.

Went for a drink with Elly, Wafa and friend.

Sampai umah 3 lebih pagik, tak dapat tidur. Entah. Cam something just not right. I don't believe any of it actually happened.

Bersengkang mata sampai pagi. Dapat info from kak Fati, then jumpa As skali gerak. Sampai kat Masjid Abu Bakar As-Siddiq kat SS19 da ramai orang.

Aku dok tepi je. It just didn't feel right. It hasn't sunk in kak Min is gone.

Masa meka nak bak jenazah kuar bak masuk van. the family ask for non-Muslim family and friends to come forward bagi peluang. I just stood by the van jenazah. When the body came close to me, aku just started crying imagining kak Min inside. It's just not right.

Aku masa tu semput jap, seb baik As drive.

Sampai kat tanah perkuburan kat USJ22, I couldn't cry anymore. Masa meka lowered the body into the grave, I just stared. My mind was a blank.

Mak Inom passed out when they started the talkin, and didn't get up even after it was all over. Yasmin's hubby pun nak rebah masa meka started throwing earth into the grave... everyone didn't cry as much as the moment in the hospital.

I knew what they felt. I felt it too. It was disbelief that Yasmin was gone.

Aku walked about 800 metres or so ke station Petronas berdekatan. Amik ko jalan kaki bawah panas terik. Had a drink. Stared at the funeral going on in the distance. Couldn't absorb.

Made way back pastuh. Didn't meet, or talk to anyone else. Balik, terus tidur. 24 hours of all this drained me, and pressure aku pun naik ngan tak cukup tidur.

After a couple of hours, kena lak wat two articles on kak Min's passing.

Aku bab tulis articles ni laju je. But kali ni, didn't know what to write, or how to write it. Felt my writing wasn't good enough to do justice to the memory of kak Min.

Finished it hours later.

Ni update blog ni masih keletihan, dan dalam keadaan tak percaya still.

I miss kak Min.

You want to know something? Iklan ni by Yasmin... it was something that I remembered the most.

Masa iklan ni keluar, aku ingat lagik. Years ago. Masa tu tengah layan TV ngan orang tua aku. Terus membuat aku fikir. Ada gak yang sanggup layan orang tua mereka camnih. I looked at my parents and realised they were my priority in life.

And that's the thing about kak Min. If you knew her, she kept preaching love. And she spread it to everyone who knew her. If you didn't personally have the chance, her films, her writing, her commercials... they were extensions of who she was. What she was all about.

Letih. Watching a string of Yasmin's beautiful work on ads she's done in the past. Go to Youtube, and laugh or cry with them. As a tribute. In memory of her. And feel what she wanted you to feel.

To be proud of who you are. Malaysian - be it Malay, Chinese, Indian, or any other race. To love your parents no matter what. To appreciate family.

Am going to rest now... but just want to share one last thing with you guys. This is kak Min's commercial which runs in Singapore.

And that's all for now. Need rest. Esok kena gi office kejap, and then kena rush to Melaka. Be safe guys. Love all of you. Hugs.