I am only human

It's about half past 5am when I started writing this. Aku tatau aku kat mana... seriously. All I know is to calm myself down, have a glass of kopi o ais (caffeine soothes me)m type out my feeling as I am crying over my laptop.

Yeap.. you heard right. It's my public admission to the world that I have feelings. I think for the past hour I let go my anger, frustration, depression and so on out in my car, while driving aimlessly before I decided to compose myself and reason things out.

I feel stupid, and I don't know what to do. Buntu is the right word. My mind is blank, overtaken by the hurt I feel.

Mana aku nak start...

Have you guys ever been in love? I mean like bebetul cintakan seseorang, sampai you were willing to share the person with someone else, ataupon just accept the person who cannot accept you but keep doing your best anyway hoping one day the person will see some good in you deserving to be loved?

Or been like me? Perasaan tu sebegitu kuat, sampai sanggup menerima keadaan, dan cuba ubah sayang itu kepada yang mampu diterima seseorang tu.

Love has brought about the downfall of many a great man. Apa agik aku ni yang takde pe pe... berkali kali aku tersungkur soal cinta.

After all the years of fucking around, and just being happy with being single - one day, I just realized I had to grow up.

And I tried to appreciate those moments when someone loves me or if I love them.

Nevermind the end result. I believe what makes life interesting and fun - is the journey, not getting to the destination.

I still remain friends with a couple of my ex yang memang sampai hari ni aku sayang gila. Tapi cuma sayang tuh da jadik cam best friend. In fact, I've always shared that this blog - which many forget - is my personal diary actually, and not some entertainment website (except for blog stuff mana ada kait keja aku which I can't avoid). I document my life.

And I started this blog - as therapy. Nak luahkan perasaan aku tak abih-abih pasal perasaan aku. Through the years, that changed. Simply because I put an armour on - to defend myself from those feelings after being hurt so many times.

No, I'm not always the victim. Aku penah kejam gak putuskan ngan orang - hanya kerana I felt we were at different stages of our life. Sorry yang... you know who you are. I tried appreciating you so much, and I see how much you loved me, but I tried and tried...

Anyway, through the years, no one was ever good enough. I tried pushing away people - simply as a defense mechanism to avoid getting hurt.

Da tau derita yang menunggu, I just didn't want to ever fall in love.

It hurts too much. And no matter how many times you heal, every cut, old or new, still leaves you bleeding.

And I refuse to go through that again.

So selepas beberapa tahun aku update one entry every day, the last two days, I took a break.

From blogging, from Twitter... segalanya. Just to try and get away from everything.

You see.... my armour, has weaknesses.

Aku penah jatuh hati kat seseorang. Aku jatuh hati kat dia cause we connected on so many levels. Aku nampak so many good things dalam diri dia yang mungkin dia sendiri tak nampak. Aku percaya dalam dirinya, walaopon ada kala dia kehilangan arah dan tak percaya pada diri sendiri. Aku nampak potensi dan masa depan dia yang begitu cerah, and that drive and hunger to be the best.

So many lovable traits.

And then it happened. Aku di marah bahasa yang begitu indah, sampai tahap, aku shut down. Aku tak dapat elak perasaan aku, dan orang tu takleh terima. Cuba punya cuba, tetap segala aku lakukan tak cukup. Bila aku dihamun sebegitu, aku pun mengalah.

Many months later... orang tu contact aku balik.

Mula-mula aku berat nak terima balik kehadiran orang tu dalam hidup aku. Tapi for some reason, I ignored what my mind what telling me, and listened to my heart and benarkan dia masuk kembali ke hidup aku.

Dalam seminggu ni banyak terjadi. Itu yang aku cuba fokus pada yang patut without thinking of the situation.

Tak kisah lah.. ko menjauhkan diri ke, tak tepati janji ke.

Aku da ajar diri aku nak cuba terima sebagai kawan yang akrab, the other half of me, except not a lovey dovey kind of relationship. Just another level where we're there for each other. Always.

And then this nasty feeling came. Aku ni psycho banyak benda. I know when something happens. Even if I'm not there. When I'm emotionally connected to someone, I feel it when something happens to them too, good or bad.

Resah..

Malam tadi lepas show Faizal Tahir, selepas hantar kawan-kawan aku pulang, aku gegas ke rumah dia. Duduk sejam luar rumah dia, contemplating patut tak aku just talk things over.

Hati aku, aku tenangkan.

To cut a long story short, it ended badly.

Banyak sangat benda orang tu mengaku menyakiti hati aku yang dia wat, but in the end, again - somehow, I'm to blame. I'm to blame why? Because aku selalu salahkan dia katanya. Aku selalu nak betul.

I compromised on my feelings and expectations. But I agreed to it - stupid me. So takpe... it's ok to lie to me, avoid telling me the truth, or even say something cutting that you know will hurt me. It's ok - it should be my fault, right?

Even when aku tanak gaduh - when I say I'm tired - you just walk away. Tunjuk kemarahan. For what? What did I ever do to you but love you for who you are. No matter what you said, I tried living by it.

Memacam dikatakan kononnya you can take me as someone close and all - but lying is ok?

Aku letih. Lepas dia belah jiwa aku kosong. Fikiran aku buntu. Nak cakap cara baik macamana lagi? Aku mengalah. Cakap marah orang kata kita emo. Cakap cara elok, orang kata kita salahkan dia - walhal baru dia ngaku dia bersalah wat tuh nih. Reverse psychology katanya put the blame on me.

I'm the one who doesn't understand.

I do understand this though.

I have been there for you. Lately you haven't. No matter what you say.

I have compromised very feelings, to make you feel comfortable. And yet, it's never enough.

You push me away when you don't need me. You only bother when you want.

Ko nak balik ex ko ke apa ke, lantak ko la kalao ko nak dibodohkan atau nak puaskan nafsu. That is none of my business. I am just a friend. But respect my feelings and jangan bodohkan aku dengan kesibukan bagai tapi tetap feeling nak menyundal kan? Apa? Dia merayu kat ko? Senang sungguh pilih orang yang pijak hati ko not too long ago kan... instead of bothering to care for someone yang would do anything for you without the promise of even a friendship.

Takpe.

Aku terima. I was stupid. I thought I was invincible. Yang aku takleh disakiti lagi selepas years of practise of putting up a wall to block everything out.

It is my fault - for falling in love with someone who could only ever see me as a disposable presence - there when you need me, and disappearing when you feel that 'you need 'me' time'.

Nevermind when I need you.

Nevermind that I hurt.

When I decide to walk away, you make it my fault again. So what do I do? Stay? And be continually hurt like this?

For once in your life - think how I hurt. Put yourself in my shoes.

I have never shed tears for years now over losing someone when it comes to a relationship.

Airmata aku da kering da. Perah camna pon, it never comes. The only time I really cried the past few years was masa passing of arwah kak Min. Someone who listened to me patiently and advised me.

"Takpe. Kita sayang seseorang, kena ikhlas. If they can't love you back, it's ok. You only can love them - that's what you're control of. The rest, you leave it to God."

So dekat seminggu ni, my feelings were tested.

I am not strong enough. Mungkin aku yang tak ikhlas menyintai seseorang. Mungkin aku tak ikhlas pada diri sendiri untuk cuba menidakkan segala perasaan aku.

So I won't love you. I know it's just words. But I hurt too much at this moment and I swear to myself to stop loving or even caring for you again. I hate crying - it's a sign of weakness for me. An the hurt is too immense. You will never understand that.

Or maybe you will. That's why you went running back the moment ada peluang kan?

Takpe.

I pray that you will have everything you dream of, including si dia yang begitu penting walaopon ko katakan you been through hell and back in that relationship cause you were the one who got dumped. All the best making it work. You deserve each other.

No anger.

My only anger is at myself now. How could I have been so stupid to go through this again. To allow myself to get hurt again.

No more.

No matter what is said. You've cut me before.

You know I keep the SMSes you sent me. When you asked me before why I kept them, I told you that they were a reminder of what you did to me. Ko kata ko malu dengan kata-kata ko sendiri ketika tu.

Jadi apa yang berlaku beberapa jam tadi - remember. You walked off. You shot me down sebab you had someone waiting to be in your arms.

You made the choice. Not me.

Again, I wish you all the best. Sincerely.

I just need to walk off, nurse my wounds which you've inflicted on me yet again. Hopefully one day I'll be strong enough to face you again. But until then, I don't ever want to see you again.

You hurt me.

A part of me died tonight. You can congratulate yourself on that.

So now, I'm left confused, and feeling stupid for what happened. Silly me to think I could have made things alright despite my intuition telling me the end was near.

Again, I'm not mad at you. Aku tak berdendam.

I am just mad at myself for allowing this to happen, and confused why it keeps happening even though sampai ada kawan-kawan aku kata aku keras hati sangat looking for the perfect partner.

I'm sorry I'm walking away. But I think I've kept to my end of the bargain to care for you and be there for you. Maybe you need to ask yourself if you've kept your promise to me.

Sorry alone doesn't cut it when it comes again.. and again.. and again.. and again.

If nothing else, keep this promise to me. Leave me alone. Leave my friends, my life and everything to do with me out of your life and build your own with that person you feel matters so much to you. It's ok.

I think I better leave right now.

For any of you who feel the same - or are nursing the same wounds I have, here's the best for us. Here's hoping making the same mistake twice - is enough.

Take a listen to Will Young's I Think I Better Leave Right Now. This song is truer to me now than ever before. Every word. It's just the perfect summary of how I feel.

I'm here, just like I said
Though it's breaking every rule I've ever made
My racing heart, is just the same;
Why make it strong to break it once again?
And I'd love to say "I do";
Give everything to you
But I could never now be true

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I'm here, so please explain
Why you're opening up a healing wound again
I'm a little more careful, perhaps it shows
But if I lose the highs at least I�m spared the lows
Now I tremble in your arms
What could be the harm?
To feel my spirit calm?

So I say...
I think I better leave right now
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper
I think I better leave right now

I wouldn't know how to say
How good it feels seeing you today
I see you've got your smile back
Like you say - you're right on track
But you may never know why
Once bitten, twice as shy
If I'm proud, perhaps I should explain
I couldn't bear to loose you again

Yes, I will.
I think I better leave right now
Feeling weaker and weaker
Somebody better show me how
Before I fall any deeper...
I think I better leave right now

PS - My life hasn't come to an end. But things are very different now. With every cut, with ever time I bleed, I become hardened and numb. Right now, venturing very closely to being a fucking zombie. Not good since I have work to do. But I guess being professional is bucking up and realizing what's important in life. And someone who makes you feel like shit - isn't.

These tears will stop. Eventually.