Signs

12:58pm.

Every day we go through it, and that moment comes and passes us by without us taking notice of that insignificant minute.

Today is one time I will remember it.

You know it's amazing. No matter how many times you get cut... it still hurts like the first time.

Except you develop some sort of numbness eventually which doesn't rid the pain - but prolongs it as you go through every second, like it's in freeze frame and you start realising all the minor details of it and how the pain grows and envelopes you.

The world is cruel. People can be cruel. They say they don't intend to be.

Does that make it better?

People think so many things can be barter traded. I want this, you want this - so you reach a compromise to get even a smidgeon of what you long for, even if it's not in its entirety. And then you realise, you can deny things, but not your real feelings.

I can't deny who I am. In over 32 years, I have accepted this is me.

If no one else can, perhaps I stop thinking this is my problem.

Not being loved sometimes may equate with the inability of others to love. Or even incapacity to appreciate and value things as they are.

I am me. Love me or not for it. It's out of my hands.

I can just close my eyes and remember every single hypocritical word of veiled truth or blatant lie and hope one day it will end.

And perhaps the end is near. Perhaps the end came even when it started.

I wonder that time it was then.


PS - Saja je nak merapu. Am taking a little break. Will be back to my busy schedule soon. Ahad persandingan Mawi lak. Don't feel like going but have to. At the moment, I just want to see the beach....

PPS - Why do people think you don't know what's going on, or things they try to keep secret just because they won't say it. Why do they think people are so blind towards so many truths that are obvious when you see with your heart. And why has 'friend' become such a dirty word to me... perhaps thinking that for some it has become a random generalisation of what they think cannot fit into any other categories.

It's raining outside. If you're listening to the song that's playing, it's a beautiful song by Ada Band. These are the lyrics.

Haruskah Ku Mati
Ada Band

Bagaimana mestinya
Membuatmu jatuh hati kepadaku
Tlah kutuliskan sejuta puisi
Meyakinkanmu
Membalas cintaku

Haruskah ku mati karenamu
Terkubur dalam kesedihan...sepanjang waktu
Haruskah kurelakan hidupku
Hanya demi cinta yang mungkin bisa membunuhku
Hentikan denyut nadi jantungku
Tanpa kau tahu betapa suci hatiku
Untuk...memilikimu

Adakah keikhlasan
dalam palung jiwamu...mengetukmu
Ajarkanmu bahasa perasaan
Hingga hatimu tak lagi membeku

Tiadakah ruang di hatimu untukku
Yang mungkin bisa tuk kusinggahi
Hanya sekedar penyejuk
Di saat ku layu
Kusetia menantimu hingga akhir masa