Who am I?

Very the philosophical question gituh.

Actually it's more in relation to me as a blogger. Da nak masuk lima tahun aku blog, bukan je layout, atau alamat blog aku berubah.

The changes have come is so many ways. Blogging has opened doors for me, and also closed some.

It's made me more recognisable and given me a valuable branding as a writer, walaopon aku slalu tegaskan kat sini, tulisan aku akan merapu, ngan diction, spelling dan sebagainya berterabur. Tak kuasa nak dok ngan spellchecker bagai. When I write, it's just as I think, so kalao salah tekan kang... paham paham aje la. I already write for a living... ni tuk seronok seronok e, so jangan expect standard bahasa Time magazine lak.

Anyway, malam tadi ada kawan aku call. Kenal pon melalui blog. Katanya, aku da banyak berubah, as far as blogging is concerned. Aku da mellow down katanya. Carut smakin kurang, berhemah bagai. Well not really... but almost.

And this prompted me to do a little soul searching as to what it means to be blogging. Why do I do it?

It's not for the money for sure. Nak kata prestige ke fame ke... tak gak. I started as a diversion, and an outlet for my grouses with life in general. Then it became a journal for me just to remind myself what took place in my life. Apa aku takleh tulis pon kat sini, aku selitkan somewhere in the entry - so if you know how to read between the lines, you can pretty much figure out what's going on.

Mmmm... I think my best answer of who I am as a blogger is like this la.

Aku tulis, kalao seorang pun baca, aku da terharu. Biar seribu orang sehari baca tulisan aku je tiap hari - lebih dari cukup. If they can take away something in my writing that benefits them, be it information or advice, aku da bangga.

So it's not for hits. Ada, syukur.

Forget the money aspect cause what I make, I use to cover expenses sana sini (cukup la bil Internet, letrik consumed and all my PC peripherals paid by income I get)

Is it about influence? Maybe. Dalam lima tahun, aku tau ramai baca what I write cause they want my take on things, whether they choose to agree or not.

This blog is coming to five years old. Da umur lima tahun blog ni mesti la tak macam dulu lagik. How many blogs you know sustain begitu lama kan without it being some sort of organised racket to get money.

Aku rasa as a blogger aku lebih matang. Ramai gunakan blog sebagai medan carutan dan meroyan. Tuk aku, aku penah silap camtuh, tu yang ramai rasa aku bitter gila, padahal aku wat tuk meluahkan kejujuran. But now I see the mistakes of others who are newbies and aku paham where I went wrong. It's a learning process.

Biasalah... kalao dak baru lahir, ke setahun dua umur, menangis meroyan je keja. Cam blog. Da lama lama kalao da potty train bagai, mula la paham erti tanggungjawab. I am responsible for what I write.

Life is too short to be bitter and I stand by being honest but without being abrasive without a cause.

So to my friend tuh... sorry luv but tulisan aku tetap kena maintain camni. Akan ada masa aku akan sumpah ranah seseorang sampai tujuh generasi keturunannya mandul, tapi only when necessary.

Aku punya ramai kawan dalam industri ni, dan ni bukan soal jaga hati, tapi membenarkan ruang tuk teguran diberikan dalam cara lebih elok (kalao tak sedar diri gak pancung je pala)

I will remain honest in what I say. No bullshit. But doesn't mean I lose my honesty kalao aku tak meroyan kan? Sekali sekala da la... lain time aku aku makan ubat dan berbicara sebagai manusia yang normal tanpa memerlukan obscenity filter la.

So thank you to those who understand my stand. I am not blogging for cheap sensationalism or instant readers.

I am here for those who have stuck by me, reading every day of my life. We learn about life together in our ways through my experiences blogged, or thoughts you care to share with me.

Ok da abih bab tuh. Ni nak mencarut sikit. Ala... ringan ringan je.

Of the many things I hate, here's one all time favourite. Insurance salesman. You know.. people who try to sell you policies, either when you already have one, or when you don't need another.

Nothing rude meant to those who make a living by selling insurance, but some of these can be very perangai door to door salesman, practically harassing you to pay for their services. Which you eventually do to get rid of them.

Nowadays, insurance salesman, like Jehovah's Witnesses, are no longer the harrassment they pose da. You know the scourge of peace nowadays?

First, telemarketers for gyms who offer you free trial memberships. Then there's the MLM - multilevel marketing mother-fathers (matilah carot camni leh tak?)

Semalam aku kuar ngan kawan sorang ni. Ingat nak borak pasal band dia, dia nak mintak tolong bab tuh aku reti la. Whether it's movies, music or just fashion issues, pandai la sikit.

Ni dok je da start cita pasal downline... recruitment... benefits. Arghhhhhh!!!! Pening aku!

Aku ni bukan jenis carik duit. I know that sounds stupid. Plus with the stereotype orang Cina ni pandai wat duit kan. Aku lebih suka pada aspek kreatif. Bab duit ni tak ngeti den. Aku nak bukak company sendiri pun tunggu lagik ni walaopon banyak produk otak aku ni da perah.

No offence and I'm sure it works for some people, but not me. Please.. kalao korang nak kawan aku jangan sesekali sebut perkataan MLM kat aku. Hina ya amats ok! Extol the benefits camna pun, aku tetap rasa nak muntah ijo. That's just not my things.

Heh... pada member aku tuh.. jangan kecik hati kalao baca ni. Respek gak cara ko nak wat duit, Lumayan pulangannya, I'm sure. Just I don't know... it's not my thing.

Semalam plan nak gi sana sini nak tuh ni. Tapi malas menyerang. Da nak tiba masanya kerja bertimbun nak mula so chilling je skang. Nak rehatkan otak tuk diperah kang.

Dua hari ni camtuh la aku. Nak gi sidang akhbar tergempar Maestro pon malas.

Semua orang pun da tau pasal apa. Kes Mas masuk wad 3:15. Kang kata gila ada yang kata kasar lak bunyinya, Biarlah dak tuh. Kesian lak... da anak da besar besar, let them sort it out within their own family. Torture je anak dia kang kena carot ngan kengkawan because we all know how kids can be mean sometimes. Korang berapa orang penah kena buli kat skolah get called all sorts of names.

Aku penah... sakit wo. Tapi aku balas ngan penumbuk je, Al maklumlah masa sekolah dak jahat. Jahat jahat pun cikgu sayang aku tau (they siap show their love through caning me - matilah ACS Klang banyak sejarah rotan ciom montot aku) Aku jenis jahat camtuh je... tak penah ponteng ke apa... walaopon kena ngaku keta cikgu penah dimangsakan. All involving creativity of using gam gajah... kat wiper tabur pasir skali on calar windscreen... of glueing all the keyholes (time aku mana sangat alarm ke central locking keta automatic ni) or gam kan tempat tangki minyak (supaya tak leh bukak) or even gamkan penutup valve tayar.

Oops.... tu teori je. Merasalah ada cikgu skolah aku carik aku balik pasni kalao terbaca.

So anyway... backtracking, isu tu aku diamkan diri. Pastu cita kawan sorang ni dalam dunia hiburan yang cuba membunuh diri. Aku kenal dia sebelum dia jadik pengurus ke apa pun.

Honestly I am saddened sebab aku tau apa masaalah dia semua. Last aku cakap ngan dia kat phone pon aku rasa dua bulan lebih lalu. Time tu tatau lak aku krisis macam macam. Wish I knew so could do something about it... Da telan Paraquat nak wat camna. Aduh... da skang jadik kes polis. Doakan je la... we all have our down times.

Eh... camna aku meroyan sampai masuk bab ni lak.

Anyay did my catch up round of yesterday and today's two episodes of Hollywood Week of American Idol 8.

So glad that Danny Gokey, Jamar Rogers, Kai Kalama, Lil Rounds, Michael Castro, Michael Sarver, Stephen Fowler, Adam Lambert and Jasmine Murray made the cut. Hope they make up the top 12 cause these are the mos outstanding performers for Idol this time around. Especially Lil. She's the best without a doubt!

I don't know if my other favourite Joanna Pacitti made it or not but I hope she did.

Sad that 16 year-old J. B. Ahfua didn't make it, and likewise for Melinda Camille and Jesus Valenzuela.

But the second day of Hollywood group rounds was MASSIVE drama. I think I'm starting to like Idol again.

Kristen McNamara makes the list of good voices for me, but she started the drama with Nathaniel and Nancy by just not wanting to practise. I don't doubt that she deserved in, but I think she's a cunt nevertheless for the drama. And when you mention drama you have to say Nate is such a drama queen. Matilah ko!

Then there's Tatiana Nicole Del Toro, with her braying donkey laugh (not even a horse's neigh) who joined their group after pissing off hers and then going back to her group and pissing them off again. She's so fucked up!!! It's all about her in her mind. I think the Idol producers balancing the love factor for hopefuls with the hate card this time. Whatever it is, Tatiana is such a dumbass she should be blonde.

Then there's the skanky bimbo that's Katrina Darrell. THANK GOD she's out!!!! Also known as the patheticly very skanky Bikini Girl, I think she's just a selfish bitch who is more concerned how she looks than anything else.

I mean who in Idol history, decides to wear heels the whole day, bitches about the pain because of it, and uses it as an excuse for 'not feeling well' that she has to skip practise? Then talks about the other being fake for camera when she's the one that's so plastic.

Go back to your tanning bed, bitch!

Arghh... can't wait for the next episode. I hope Tatiana gets booted out soon cause that's a psycho there.

Panjang gila meroyan. Tido sat.